"Knock~Knock"

We constantly strive for well-being: for meaning, purpose, fulfillment, health and happiness.
In order for life to be viewed as being "good," we need to feel useful and appreciated.
Longing for great relationships—to love and be loved. Behind all of these human desires lie the creative impulse of our soul. It moves through each of us and through the world we create. Once we understand, love and respond to our soul, we find meaning in all of our experiences – even the difficult ones.

On the flip side, when we resist the movement of our soul because we don’t understand what’s happening, we become ill, have accidents, experience emotional pain, struggle with money, work and relationships … Life becomes a real challenge...it is then that we need to STOP and decide which new door we will open and what new path we will take~ Listening for the "knock" ~ life has continual "wake-up" calls alerting to the moments that reveal another dimension of our true self.

  

A door is truly an amazing thing.Closed, it is an agent of separation.... but swing it open and it becomes an invitation, uniting what before was separate. ~Drew Leder

Have you experienced "the knock" lately?  Did you recognize the message within?  How did it make you feel or change?  

“Maybe if I share the path I walk then a little more of your pain will vanish. I want you to heal, whoever you are. I don't care what pain you've brought the world, I just want yours to subside. No matter what, your path is yours. Dont follow misery or worry. Devote every moment of your life to improving your dreams. Love your world. Cherish the good you do. Let go of hatred. Dream of love.”

~Inner Gratitude~

Each year I have entered the month of November with a strong passion to express my grateful heart...I live with it daily, all year long...but, for some reason, sweet November speaks to me. It could be because it is the month of my Mothers' birth  OR the month I married my best OR one of my FAVORITE holidays, 'Thanksgiving.'  Whatever the inspiration, it speaks to me~

As I begin my daily gratitude, I am brought to a place inside of myself that requires me to think harder, dig deeper and challenge myself.  Over the last few years, it has been like a puzzle & trying to fit all of the pieces together has NOT been easy...many times I have felt like throwin' in the towel, but, in those moments, I have reminded myself to "Let go &  Let God."  That isn't always an easy thing to do...especially  when I've had certain "idea" about how my life should go...and in my stillness, I've tuned in to the messages that appear when I am stuck in "rut," it is then that my life begins a transformation, a metamorphosis if you will, into exactly what God has intended for it to be...even during those hesitant moments I have learned to be comfortable with the unknown. Not so easy, right?  

Faith, without reservation!  Leaping forward wholeheartedly...as if the child in you has never been hurt or disappointed or sad or lost. It is through those experiences that all  feelings rise to the surface and create a "closed off" mindset.  I have found that living in a "what if" world will hold me back from becoming the very being that God intended.  

A quick relation to my rambling...

Thanksgiving 2008 was my last holiday with my favorite man in the world, my Poppi (Father).  He was dying of lung cancer. He was my very best friend...the one in this world that really knew how to get me to dig deep and reach within. A man that was passionate over his viewpoints, calm over what could not be "undone" and someone who loved as if you were the only one in his world~ I was there daily for his journey to his new beginning. I was devastated, yet, continued, just as he taught me, to be an open book with him, to be grateful for the time I was continuing to spend with him, to treat him with dignity and respect and admiration.  

This is not about his journey onwards, but rather about the teachings he left behind...and the ones I continue to see and believe in~  From a very young age I recall him intertwining his life with the rich and the poor and treating them equally. He did not see a person for what they had or didn't have, but for the soul that lied within.  I believe to this day that because I was witness to his lighthearted nature, I, in turn, am more apt to demonstrate those very teachings.  I feel truly blessed, beyond grateful, thankful in every aspect of the word~ 

Has anyone or anything every moved you beyond your grateful heart?  Made you explore places that you did not realize you were capable of?  I would love to hear from you...have you share your own experiences...maybe a tradition or two that you have incorporated into your life during this very special holiday...a holiday dedicated to unity in stopping the clock, if just for a day, and celebrating togetherness & all that we are blessed with...and of course, reaching out with just ONE simple random act of kindness...ALL WALKS of life...without judgment...just faith, in knowing that you are giving yourself, wholeheartedly.

On a final note, I want to express to each of you that have come to my link/blog and taken the time to find out more about me as well as share in my experiences, I thank you.  It is my belief that each and every day we encounter spirituality...but, due to the fast-pace of our worlds, we do not often slow down and embrace the moment. My wish for you is that today you do just that...embrace the moment. Give Thanks. Count, literally, your blessings. Stop reaching and yearning for more, yet instead be truly grateful for what you have. Love open-heartily, honestly and don't be afraid to take a leap of FAITH.

"Thanksgiving is the holiday of peace, the celebration of work and the simple life... a true folk-festival that speaks the poetry of the turn of the seasons, the beauty of seed time and harvest, the ripe product of the year - and the deep, deep connection of all these things with God."  ~Ray Stannard Baker (David Grayson)

Many Blessings for a warm and loving Thanksgiving day!

Angels walk among us...

January 4, 1999, approximately 8:05am...a day that changed the course of my direction and etched my soul with gratitude~




I was living in Deland, FL at the time with my newlywed husband. We were married November 14, 1998... He owned a Title Insurance business in Altamonte Springs, FL. I recently left my position as a Division Recruiter with a major IT Corp. headquartered out of VA. to join him at the Title Co. We both agreed that growing this business together would benefit our future together~ and so it began...

A friend/co-worker needed a lift to work one morning and I was most happy to provide one for her! It required an alternate route to work. I jumped in my car in my brand new suit, coffee in tow and some good jams to keep me company. When I pulled into my friends driveway, I honked...a few times...no one responded. I am sure the neighbors were enjoying my wake-up call~

My husband had just purchased a brand new Nissan Altima, complete with leather seats, surround sound, hands free phone system, sunroof and all of the bells and whistles you could imagine. I didn't mind that I was taking the long way to I-4. After my failed attempt in picking up my friend, I thought I would phone the office to alert them that I was on my way and running a few minutes behind. The person that answered the phone was the very friend that I was supposed to pick up that beautiful, sunny, chilly morning. I was razzin' her for not calling me to let me know she found a ride in... I exited onto the overpass ramp, I recall the sun blinding me as my car began to make the turn on the ramp. I sneezed...not once but at least three times...my head jerked with each exhale. Just when I looked up I realized I was failing the turn and heading for the guardrail. I quickly went to correct myself and my wheels got caught in the shoulder of the road which in turn spun me into oncoming traffic...all while I was still locked in conversation with my friend at work. Time froze...and I mustered all the strength that I could to avoid hitting the black truck speeding towards me head-on. The last thing I recall saying to my friend was "OH SHIT!" in a panicked tone...then BAM! We collided.






I was out cold~






When I awoke, the smell of burnt skin and fumes was overwhelming. I was dazed and confused. I remember thinking that my coffee wet my hair~ my bangs of all things! Anyone that knew me when I wore bangs knew the perfection that came with them...and if they got wet...well, that meant curly hair...OH NO! (This was my minds focus for a second)

I was scared. I remembered seeing someone in front of me criss-crossing their arms in front of their face minutes before the impact occurred. At this point, I thought that I may have killed someone. How was I going to cope with that? What would I do? My heart ached. I was rocking back and forth and no one was around...

Moments later, as my car was pinned against the guardrail and my door jammed, a lady appeared. A plump, dark-haired lady in scrubs. I thought to myself: "Thank you, GOD. A nurse!" She came to my door and with such compassion she spoke softly: "Honey, it's gonna be OK" then she somehow managed to kneel beside me and stroke my hair. She asked my name. I panicked...I was just married. If I gave her my married name, no one would realize it was me...if I gave her my maiden name...what if my DH wasn't notified? Then, in an instant a sense of calm rushed over me...she kept telling me not to worry, that I was going to be just fine...and she disappeared...

Sirens, commotion, confusion.....then a strange man at my door...the man that was behind me and witnessed it all..the FIRST person on the scene. Did you read that? The FIRST person on the scene. Who was this lady? Why didn't anyone see her? Why couldn't anyone answer my question about her whereabouts? WHY?




My DH arrived. This is when I realized I was seriously hurt. As he approached the car (after driving up the side of the overpass and jumping the rail realizing it was my car on the top of the bridge) he quickly came to my side. So compassionate. So kind. So worried. SO with ME. I recalled him glancing at the guy, the FIRST one on the scene, with a panic struck face and asking him if he noticed my legs and feet. I kept asking about the person I hit...the sound of the helicopters...the what ifs and whys and how comes of it all~ I must have apologized a million times over....then, the emergency crew arrived...they pried open my passenger door and came in for me....pulling me through to a gurney on the other side. I was shaking and cold. The EMT then pulled my shoes off and shock engulfed me to the core. The pain was unbearable. I was moaning and in/out at this point. My right ankle and foot was inward and upward and backward and my left was pointed straight down, both as large as a football! The ambulance ride was full of bumps and jolts and I was struggling to stay awake as they worked on me....






I arrived at the ER~ everyone was pushing and shoving people out of the way to get me in and situated. Still no pain medicine administered. I was about to "let go" I just could not take it another minute...

My Brother-in-law and Sister-in-law and my parents were there in no time, comforting ME! Why do I sound so shocked? We just lost our nephew, 14yrs young one month after our wedding...and not even a month had passed since his funeral...and there they were...supporting and comforting ME! You have NO idea what was stirring inside my soul at the time. My parents were scared and worried and hurting. My husband was arguing with the nurses and surgeon about letting me just lay there without a single pain killer...just trying...begging to get me some relief. The surgeon had come in and began manipulating my right foot that was pointing up facing me, obviously severely injured. My husband could barely stand what was happening. He actually fired the surgeon and demanded a new one come to the scene~ I was rushed in for an MRI and all sorts of x-rays. I remember the nurses all complimenting me on being so kind and polite. They were even a tad uneasy about handling me lying there all frail. Next thing I remember, I was hooked up to IVs and out cold. Pain meds finally administered=CHECK. Surgery was in progress...the first of many...and the beginning of a long road to recovery and healing...in more ways than just one.




After the initial surgeries , I spent a few days in the hospital...suffering through MAJOR flashbacks of my accident and worry that overwhelmed my every thought. I could not wait for my parents to show back up every morning after leaving me at night. I literally watched the clock. They brought me a headset with Andre Boccelli and it stirred inside of my soul and somehow put me at ease and restful sleep. With each rise of the sun, I noticed a hawk flying outside of my hospital room window and it was then that I had my first true "sign" ~ what that sign was, I did not know at the time...but, it was speaking...I just wasn't listening clearly.






I was discharged for a few days. Going home was the best thing for me to get my rest and heal and allow the swelling to subside before being readmitted for more surgeries. This is when life continued to hand me more than I thought I could handle...






During the time home, I had so many visitors, calls and cards and unexpected help...my husband had me set-up at my parents home...the front living room was completely remodeled into a home hospital room...complete with the hospital bed, portable toilet, wheelchair, visitation couch and decorated with all of the cards and flowers and pictures that would somehow make me smile again. I was just married after all. JUST MARRIED. I was battling the fear of "what if I never walk again" and "will I ever be able to stand side by side with my husband again?" and "will he stay?" I was slipping into a dark place~






I returned to the hospital for my next surgeries. The next few days I was in so much pain I could barely tolerate it. Morphine. Demerol. IV fluids. This was my cocktail around the clock...I was suffering hot/cold sweats and hallucinations and all of the icky stuff that comes with being on drugs and being traumatized. Our best friends, Darryl and Cheryl, were constantly checking in...they were up to visit one night and I remember sharing some good laughs with them both...they lightened my mood, if even for a minute. (They were the couple that my hubby and I lived with our first few months together...we were all inseparable.) We rode our Harley's daily and spent so many fun times together. The day after they were there to visit, I realized the clock turned 8am and no one was with me...(this was the normal time that my husband and parents arrived). I was confused and worried. Worried that my husband was getting cold feet and wanted out. He didn't sign up for this, ya know. He went from newlywed to nurse overnight. (and a damn good one, I might add) So, when he arrived, he was ... different. Off. I just could not put my finger on it. This was consuming my thoughts. He would come and go. He looked exhausted. Broken. My focus turned from me to him. I suppose that is normal in a relationship. The only difference is that I was high as a kite on morphine and demerol and my focus was a bit clouded...but, my heart and my soul were telling me something just wasn't right...I was WAY off. I simply did not expect to hear what came next....











It was mid-afternoon...my room was full of nurses as well as the Dr ...confusion seemed to be a daily routine for me. I was waiting patiently to see my husband...slipping in/out of a drug-induced sleep. Suddenly, there he was...handsome as ever and coming in with purpose. He asked the nurses and staff to please give him a moment alone with me...I had just transferred from my bed to the wheelchair and the physical therapist had just left a few minutes prior to his arrival. He came in the room and shut the door. I thought: "this is it...he is going to tell me he can't do it..." instead, he firmly requested that I promise not to get too upset or cry, that HE needed ME to be strong...for him...I was so confused and lost in this moment...and then the words came trembling out..."Darryl was hit and killed the other evening on his bike"











{{lights out, stillness, shock, darkness, illusion, heartache, fear, sadness, anger}}











All things that stirred within a moments time. Life changed...one hit after the next...I could not speak. I did cry...hysterically...(as I am doing now because I am revisiting this in detail for the first time in years). The pain does not vanish. It sticks. Why did he choose to tell me now...in the midst of all the trauma you ask? Well, he just left the camera crew outside of our home as they interviewed Darryl's friends for the 6 O'clock news...the guy that hit him was in hiding. A local. He drug our friend under his car, under the influence, for several feet and left him for dead in a ditch. Life~ no longer precious...yet destroyed by one poor choice....no second chances. I will never forget the process of healing that my dear husband and I faced....years of rehab so I could walk again, years of pushing through our tears and pain from our instant loss and continual changes....and somehow...

God worked through us yet again...and made us come together when it was MOST important, helping us build a trust that we had yet to experience before and allowing us to lean on one another time and time again. THIS was the beginning of my true journey...the one that led my soul to listen when it spoke~the one that tuned in to the "signs" from the other side...felt the breeze deeper than just wind at my back....recognized the good in people and that the simple things in life would carry me through...as long as I never stopped "listening."  The one that showed me just how precious life is and that things can change in the drop of a dime, but, as long as we look up and keep our faith in check...somehow, God will pull us through~



In simple terms: "I was chosen and blessed and will forever have a grateful heart."

An Introduction to my soul~

My name is Nicolle. Some call me Nicci~ I will be 38yrs young tomorrow, August 23rd. Ever since I was a little girl, I had this "sense" about me...a connection to those passed, a heart that literally felt what others were feeling and a respect for ALL religions and spiritual beliefs. I have always felt that I walk the line of heaven and earth and I experience the substance that stands in between. I am a very compassionate person and have an intuition that speaks every language, but, mostly it speaks when I listen. I believe that time is just a way of keepin' track while our feet are planted on the ground~ and it isn't until you have experienced "the lift" that you begin to realize that each second is truly a gift~"joy rising."

I created this new found "outlet" as a "push" from my Mom and my dear friend, JMS. Apparently, my writing has inspired a few...and in turn it has ignited me to share! I find joy in knowing when my "soul speaks" it somehow transforms into an echo that reaches out to other souls and connects. It really is simplistic human nature. We ALL want to connect on some level or another, but, life gets in the way. It clouds our thoughts and our actions. Sometimes, it even allows our Egos to speak for us...and then forget it...we are left with confusion and a downright frumpy feeling.

So, by the grace of God, I am sitting here, attempting to create my first "blog" ~ an extension of my Facebook friends and family...and all of you who have inspired me or nudged me to move along and keep writing...

I hope you will take this journey with me and share your own thoughts and feelings along the way. CONNECT with me...I just dare you to step into my shadow and feel what I feel...

C.C.N.J ~ some words from a wise man, my Poppi

Stay still – experience the magnitude and wonder of
a moment: a pure space of energetic potential,
a dazzling flash of reality.

In the moment, there is no past, no future – as a concept or reality; neither exists because
it is Now: a focal point of awareness contained within infinite awareness.

My Poppi was a firm believer in empowering people with his "C.C.N.J" viewpoint. For those of you blessed to give up 2hrs to listen (LOL), IF you truly did listen, it is deep, but so fitting.

Cliff Note version:

C - "Choice" - Having a choice in our lives everyday...
C - "Change" - Commiting to making a change...
N - "Now" - Living in the NOW...(no regrets, don't look back, in the moment)
J - "Journey" - Enjoying the journey...whatever/wherever it may take you...it is YOURS.

~ My Awakening ~ a dedication...

Today, as I lie soaking up the sun…I found you. I have been sorting through so much since we parted ways…since your journey took a new direction & I have been left to pontificate the “what if’s” and the “wish I could have’s” and the amazing conversations we had leading up to your final days here. I have been on my own journey, an evolution of my soul…a healing, if you will, of my own wounded wings. Yesterday, I begged to find you…through a sign…I needed you and knew you were still with me.

I was listening to my “meditate and regroup” Ipod tunes…specifically, beginning with ‘The Dream of the Dolphin’ by Enigma ~ and I began to “see” all of the beauty that had surrounded me in a way that I am not certain can be put to pen… I thought to myself: “This is the NOW…this IS the NOW that my Poppi often spoke of…and I am aware, this is my “awakening.”

My view was sharp. There was a large “hole” where the sun peeked through the bare branches of the trees. It was bright, almost crisp. The leaves on the trees were “shedding” in preparation for new growth…little feather-like objects were drifting in the slightest gust of wind… My spirit was soaring in complete connection… and I was enjoying the moment, my surroundings, peace. My song stopped. Everything was silent. Still. I closed my eyes and thought of you…and spoke to you…telling you that I knew you were finally “free” and that Gram & Gramps were with you…when, without warning, I heard the loudest Hawk keer … for a moment I thought: “Is it you?” “Nightingale,’ by Yanni began to play. I removed one of my ear peaces and when I opened my eyes, flying directly above me, in the “window” through the trees and through the rays of the sun was three red-tailed hawks…but only one sounding off…it was that moment I knew my messenger was real. All things that I am empowered by in my spiritual beliefs~ my connection to “the other side” ~ it truly was my awakening. I watched in awe…in reflection.

Tears streamed down my cheeks and my heart filled with peace. ..

**Hawks are known for Visionary power and Guardianship, as well as Nobility, Recollection and Cleansing**


Written by: Nicolle D. Napolitano
In Adoring Memory of My Father, My “Poppi”
June 8, 1940 – December 4, 2008